RavenKittie
18-06-2004, 10:55 AM
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys".
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh .," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is green and has wheels?
A. A frog. I lied about the wheels.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely naked, with clingfilm wrapped around his body.
The psychiatrist says: "Well I can clearly see your nuts".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Minnie and Mickey Mouse were in divorce court. The judge asked Mickey, "Are you saying your wife is insane?" To which Mickey replies,
"She's not crazy, she's .in' Goofy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there's this father of three boys. The first boy walks up to his father and asks, "Dad, why am I named Rose?" His dad responds,
"Well, Rose, when you were a baby, a small rose petal fell on your head, so we took it as a sign from God that you should be named Rose."
The second boy goes up and asks his dad, "Dad, why am I named Leif?" His father responds, "Well, Leif, when you were a baby, a small leaf
fell on your head, and we took it as a sign from God that you should be named Leif." The third boy walks up to his dad and says
"UNGUGUNGUGNGNNGNNNGGUNGUGNG!!!" His dad responds, "Shut the . up, Cinderblock."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the worst part about eating vegetables?
The Wheelchair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
16. What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
17. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.
18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
19. What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it!
30. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your -
Rude ones edited out
:D :D
I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh .," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is green and has wheels?
A. A frog. I lied about the wheels.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely naked, with clingfilm wrapped around his body.
The psychiatrist says: "Well I can clearly see your nuts".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Minnie and Mickey Mouse were in divorce court. The judge asked Mickey, "Are you saying your wife is insane?" To which Mickey replies,
"She's not crazy, she's .in' Goofy!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there's this father of three boys. The first boy walks up to his father and asks, "Dad, why am I named Rose?" His dad responds,
"Well, Rose, when you were a baby, a small rose petal fell on your head, so we took it as a sign from God that you should be named Rose."
The second boy goes up and asks his dad, "Dad, why am I named Leif?" His father responds, "Well, Leif, when you were a baby, a small leaf
fell on your head, and we took it as a sign from God that you should be named Leif." The third boy walks up to his dad and says
"UNGUGUNGUGNGNNGNNNGGUNGUGNG!!!" His dad responds, "Shut the . up, Cinderblock."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the worst part about eating vegetables?
The Wheelchair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
16. What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
17. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.
18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
19. What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it!
30. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your -
Rude ones edited out
:D :D