Spugster
30-09-2003, 08:30 PM
Ok here are a few jokes, enjoy...
1) Dracula
Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing. "I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be reincarnated into any other living thing of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a living thing with wings and sucks blood, heh, heh, heh." "So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a vampire bat. So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when a farmer killed him. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish (and a little batty).
"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again. BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?" Still adamant, Dracula said, "I still want to be a living thing with wings and sucks blood!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a mosquito.
So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until one day, splat, he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid (and rather bugged). "I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. but this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a non-living thing of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy... then turn me into a non-living thing with wings and sucks blood!! heh... heh.." "No problem," said God and He turned Dracula into a tampon.
The Widow
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
Mum vs Flight Attendant
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
Smart Cats (although not really possiable 'cause everyone know cats are dumb :P
Four men were bragging how smart their cats were. The first man was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third a chemist and the fourth was a public servant. To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everybody agreed that T-Square was pretty smart.
The accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen Tim Tams, he divided them into four equal piles of three each. Everybody agreed that Spreadsheet was also pretty smart.
The chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got a 250 ml glass from the cupboard and measured our 200mls without spilling a drop. Everybody agreed that Measure was also pretty smart.
Then the three men turned to the public servant and said, "What can your cat do"? The public servant called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the Tim Tams, drank the milk, pissed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a provisional improvement notice for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for workers compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Deserters
A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed to his request.
Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way". After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said.
"I can't thank you Enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood. The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"
Doris and the Darts Team
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled,
I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modelling swimmer or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her
skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
1) Dracula
Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing. "I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be reincarnated into any other living thing of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a living thing with wings and sucks blood, heh, heh, heh." "So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a vampire bat. So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when a farmer killed him. So up he went again to meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish (and a little batty).
"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again. BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?" Still adamant, Dracula said, "I still want to be a living thing with wings and sucks blood!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a mosquito.
So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until one day, splat, he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid (and rather bugged). "I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. but this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a non-living thing of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy... then turn me into a non-living thing with wings and sucks blood!! heh... heh.." "No problem," said God and He turned Dracula into a tampon.
The Widow
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
Mum vs Flight Attendant
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
Smart Cats (although not really possiable 'cause everyone know cats are dumb :P
Four men were bragging how smart their cats were. The first man was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third a chemist and the fourth was a public servant. To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everybody agreed that T-Square was pretty smart.
The accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen Tim Tams, he divided them into four equal piles of three each. Everybody agreed that Spreadsheet was also pretty smart.
The chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got a 250 ml glass from the cupboard and measured our 200mls without spilling a drop. Everybody agreed that Measure was also pretty smart.
Then the three men turned to the public servant and said, "What can your cat do"? The public servant called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the Tim Tams, drank the milk, pissed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a provisional improvement notice for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for workers compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Deserters
A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed to his request.
Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way". After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said.
"I can't thank you Enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood. The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"
Doris and the Darts Team
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled,
I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modelling swimmer or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her
skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."