GOOD jokes!

[WirlWind]

Powder

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, ''Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?''

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. ''Where the hell have you been?!?!'' she screaches.

''Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.''

''Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!''

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, ''You liar! You went bowling again!'

[WirlWind]

Sex and The Country

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Aussie on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.


"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Aussie remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"dont stop."

[WirlWind]

Alligators and Women

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. Once he is in the bar he tells all the patrons that are present that for a round of drinks from everyone in the bar he will insert his penis into the alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar goers accepted the dare and each put up a drink. the man walks up to the alligator, takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth. He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head. The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his penis unscathed.
The crowd is left in awe.
The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the same thing, I will give them $500.''
From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, ''I'll do it, if you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''

[Hal]

i like the first one, the second one reminds me to much of...oh, no hasslin people yeah..hmm...

[myrddin]

#1...2 ok...me not like crocs (of sh!t!!!) :P

[twide]

Bahaha :D

[JAAS]

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo
along for company.

One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long
discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious
intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep
trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back
to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap,
the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one
delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as
a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the
trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo
nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon
catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at
being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back
and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo."

The dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead
of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close
enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell is that
monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard."

[WirlWind]

ROFL thats a good one too. there are so many good jokes. i wish i remembered them all...

[zaitsev]

sweet...

[myrddin]

wirl... get an organiser... i store lotsa jokes in mine... (hal knows...) only prob is, mine cant transfer files back 2 pc...

[myrddin]

/meh... :roll:

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock. I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "No - We talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it!"

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me! Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."

[Stealthy]

awesome jokes guys

[SpUnKy_BoB]

HEHEHE

[Hal]

myrddin, you TOO go to lotsofjokes.com. i remember the few jokes i know, i dont go hunting. btw, they are still excellent.

[MCUD]

Three men walked into a bar...
you think the first would've saw it..

:roll:

cbf typing out a good one..

[myrddin]

funny, not quite jokes, but, what the hey...

George W. Bush Quotes :twisted: :twisted:




"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...George W. Bush

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...George W. Bush, 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy." ...George W. Bush to reporters

[ILDUCE]

Poofter goes to the doctor
doctor cheaks him outand says
"you have AIDS,"
"im gonna need the names of the last 10 men you had sex with"
poofter says:
"doc, i havent got eyes in the back of me head!


[Anal Justise] 0wns U!