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14-10-2003, 10:55 AM
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
* P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
* S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
* P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
* S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
* P: Something loose in cockpit.
* S: Something tightened in cockpit.
* P: Dead bugs on windshield.
* S: Live bugs on back-order.
* P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
* S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
* P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
* S: Evidence removed.
* P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
* S: DME volume set to more believable level.
* P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
* S: That's what they're there for.
* P: IFF inoperative.
* S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
* P: Suspected crack in windshield.
* S: Suspect you're right.
* P: Number 3 engine missing.
* S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
* P: Aircraft handles funny.
* S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
* P: Target radar hums.
* S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
* P: Mouse in cockpit.
* S: Cat installed.
* P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
* S: Took hammer away from midget.
Double entendres, dangling participles and a mess of other grammatical stuff!!
1.Hear about the bicycle that couldn't stand up on its own? - it was two-tired!
2. What's the definition of a will? A dead giveaway!
3. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a rotten banana.
4. Does a backward poet write inverse?
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your Count that votes.
6. I found out my girlfriend had a wooden leg, so I broke it off!
7. Is a chicken crossing the road poultry in motion?
8. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get re-possessed?
9. She got married for a new name and a dress.
10. Throw a piano down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. My clock must have been hungry - it went back back four seconds!
12. I'm pleased to tell you that the man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. Did an explosion in a French kitchen result in Linoleum Blown-apart?
14. Stuck with your debt? Try to budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. Did Elza break into song because she couldn't find the key?
17. Be warned! - Your calendar's days are numbered!
18. Most money is tainted. - 'Taint yours, 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg is hard to beat!
20. My photographic memory never developed.
21. Is a plateau a higher form of flattery?
22. The little fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Seen one shopping centre, seen the mall.
25. Are those who jump off bridges in Paris in Seine?
26. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Do bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis?
28. Are Santa's helper’s subordinate Clauses?
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Runners with tight shoes suffer the agony of defeat.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
* P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
* S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
* P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
* S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
* P: Something loose in cockpit.
* S: Something tightened in cockpit.
* P: Dead bugs on windshield.
* S: Live bugs on back-order.
* P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
* S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
* P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
* S: Evidence removed.
* P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
* S: DME volume set to more believable level.
* P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
* S: That's what they're there for.
* P: IFF inoperative.
* S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
* P: Suspected crack in windshield.
* S: Suspect you're right.
* P: Number 3 engine missing.
* S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
* P: Aircraft handles funny.
* S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
* P: Target radar hums.
* S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
* P: Mouse in cockpit.
* S: Cat installed.
* P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
* S: Took hammer away from midget.
Double entendres, dangling participles and a mess of other grammatical stuff!!
1.Hear about the bicycle that couldn't stand up on its own? - it was two-tired!
2. What's the definition of a will? A dead giveaway!
3. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a rotten banana.
4. Does a backward poet write inverse?
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your Count that votes.
6. I found out my girlfriend had a wooden leg, so I broke it off!
7. Is a chicken crossing the road poultry in motion?
8. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get re-possessed?
9. She got married for a new name and a dress.
10. Throw a piano down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. My clock must have been hungry - it went back back four seconds!
12. I'm pleased to tell you that the man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. Did an explosion in a French kitchen result in Linoleum Blown-apart?
14. Stuck with your debt? Try to budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. Did Elza break into song because she couldn't find the key?
17. Be warned! - Your calendar's days are numbered!
18. Most money is tainted. - 'Taint yours, 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg is hard to beat!
20. My photographic memory never developed.
21. Is a plateau a higher form of flattery?
22. The little fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Seen one shopping centre, seen the mall.
25. Are those who jump off bridges in Paris in Seine?
26. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Do bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis?
28. Are Santa's helper’s subordinate Clauses?
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Runners with tight shoes suffer the agony of defeat.