Old but still good

[WirlWind]

this is so old but still pretty good:

Three vampires walk into a bar and the first two order Bloody Mary's "O Positive" but the third just asks for some boiling hot water. They all look at him funny and ask why. He pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea..."
:roll:

ok ok ok so maybe i am sick and maybe i should be put to death but i still think its funny

[MaJ]

yes you are right it is old... :P

" A guy walks into a bar... ouch"

[Hal]

thats a sick joke wirl, i like the banana was a pilot jokes and that...

why did the plane crash? the pilot was a banana
why did the boy fall off the swing? he had no arms
why did the boy fall off the bike? someone threw a fridge at him

theres more. i cant think of them

[WirlWind]

a guy and his blond girlfriend are on either side of a river.the guy asks his girlfriend how to get onto the other side of the river and she says "but you are on the other side!" :roll:


damnit i need some new jokes :cry:

[ads0r]

what a conversation killer :P

" guy falls out of a window..... dead" :P

[RavenKittie]

:shock: :? :D


Hahahah that jokes pretty funny, its actually even more funny hearing (or seeing) a guy type the word Tampon!

[WirlWind]

:D lol omg we had tampon wars one time. we found an un-opened (yes we made sure :roll: ) and we soaked them and threw dem at each other.was mad fun :!: :lol:

[Duckslayer]

What do you call 2 lesbiens on their periods?
Finger Painters

[WirlWind]

ROFL OMG THATS A GOOD ONE... i cant wait to tell my friend.she a lezo lol.she prolly bash my head in. tho no doubt i deserve it :lol:

[K Dogg]

what did the tampon say to the other tampon? ...nothin they were both stuck up cun*s

[spikyle6]

nice 1 k dog. (plz excuse my lack off intelligence as i cant spell)
ok i got one ok there are 3 men at the pearly gates and St peter is only allowd to let one in to heaven so he pulls aside the first guy and says to him "So how did you die" the guy replies" Well i have been thinking my wife has been cheeting on me for some time, so i decided to come home from work early to catch her in the act, i got home and i heard her in the shower so i decided to look everywhere for the guy just to be shore i checked every where and the last place i looked was out on the balcony he was hanging there by his finders so i started to jump on his hands, the barstard didnt fall so i went and got a hammer and beated his hands he fell 10 stories and didnt die so i ran and got the fridge and pusshed it off, ithit the ground killing him instantly, i couldnt take what i had dont so i got a gun and killed my self.
St peter says "ok" walks to the second guy says "how did you die" he sayd "well i have been wanting to get fit for ages now and i went and got a book, in the early arvo i decided to do some exercises just as i was up tyo my 10th star jump i fell 2 stories, and luckly caught on to some guys balcony, i was hanging there almost back up when he started to jump on my hands he stopped that and ran i thort he was gone but he came back with a hammer and hit my hands i couldnt take it any more and fell 10 stories but to my surprise i was still alive i went to get up and i looked up and the bastered through a fridge off the edge, well it hit me killing me instantly.
St peter walks to the third guy and says"so how did you die" the man replies " OK!! imagin this you are standing naked in a fridge". :lol:

[WirlWind]

niiiiice. 3 couples get to the pearly gates. They are all preachers and have done missionary trips and stuff like that.The angels call up the first couple and said to the guy "You! You loved money so much, u married a lady named Penny! Well, i guess u can still come in considering all the good work youve done but you will have to go around the back!" So they start off around the back. The next couple come up and the angel says to the guy "You! You loved alcahol so much that you married a lady named Sherry! I guess u can come in still though but you will have to go around the back" The third guys says "Come on phanny, we may as well start walking now..."


sorry old joke and i couldnt remember it properly but o wells :roll: :roll:

[spikyle6]

kool
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

AND i have another

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[Hal]

kool
\"You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!\" \"Amen\"

Amen


dude, those are some champion jokes...i can never remember them all, its all we do for the 1 hour bus ride on the way to school...[tell jokes]

[WirlWind]

lol niiiice.i got a few more... these are just plain weird but anyhoo

-What's 18 inches long, red, yellow and makes women scream?

A zombie baby chomping the head off the family parakeet.

-What's black and white and red all over?

A nun being devoured by Satanic zombie babies.

-What's red and gray and splashes?

A zombie baby playing in a puddle of brains.

What's blue, red, and goes "pop"?

A zombie baby exploding out of Cookie Monster's belly.

-What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and one of zombie babies?

The bowling balls don't try and bite off your fingers when you unload them.


lol omg they arent my jokes BTW some freak was telling me them last night on MSN :?

[WirlWind]

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

[WirlWind]

very punny...

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writer's cramp.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ''Amal.'' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ''Juan.'' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!''

[WirlWind]

Types of People You'd Meet in a Bathroom

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts

SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not

CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed

TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later

INDIFFERENT : If all urinals being used, pisses in sink

CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor

WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection

FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly or bug

ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants

CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble

TOUGH : Bangs penis on side of urinal to dry it

PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand

EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to -, then does both

DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants

DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away

CONCEITED : Holds two inch penis like a baseball bat

DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants

SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed[/b]

[splatpack]

That list is so .ing hilarious :/ :roll:

[Isis]

Heres a few...

What sits in the corner of a room and gets smaller and smaller?

A baby with a potato peeler.

What is blue and sits on the bottom of a pool?

A dead baby.

What is green and blue and sits on the bottom of a pool?

Same baby, 6 weeks later.

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

[RavenKittie]

Whats the quickest way to paint a room red?

Throw a baby at the fan :P

[Duckslayer]

:( your slack...u r no longer my dad

[RavenKittie]

Duckslayer don't talk to your father like that, I'm sure your mother Villan certainly doesn't appreciate it :D

Now be a good little Ducky, white 2 sugars ta :)

[JAAS]

Did you hear about the two gay guys in a phone booth?
They tried to ring each other. :twisted:

[WirlWind]

umm nice piccy jaas...

[JAAS]

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

[WirlWind]

rofl. u like gay jokes dont you... not saying anything about you being gay or nuthing. im just stating a fact that u like gay jokes.

[JAAS]

I'm not gay or a pilot on the chocolate runway or a fudge packer or a donut maker or a nob jocky or a rectum ranger or a poo poker
..... not that there is anything wrong about being gay.

It's just gay

[WirlWind]

not saying anything about you being gay or nuthing. im just stating a fact that u like gay jokes.



so there. u missed back-door bandit...

[JAAS]

dam it!!!

[Hal]

more baby jokes:
whats faster to unload? a truck full of ballbearings or a truck full of babies? -babies, you can use a pitch fork!
how do you find a baby in long grass? -with a lawn mower
whats blue and yellow and sits at bottom of pool? -baby with slashed floaties.
whats red and yellow and floats at top of pool? -slashed baby with floaties.

gay jokes are funny...but lesbian jokes are better..."fingerpainters...."
/me starts laughing all over again...

[WirlWind]

whats blue and yellow and sits at bottom of pool? -baby with slashed floaties.*
whats red and yellow and floats at top of pool? -slashed baby with floaties.*



rofl u funny bastard. i like. many funnies.much laughs.

[Hal]

my christian chemistry teacher told me those...

[WirlWind]

*clears throat* christian? lol. :lol:

[Hal]

yeah, i cant remember the other ones...but there where better ones. for a christian, he is the most racist man i know! [thats why his classes are so great, i cant do my work cos im crying from laughter half the time]...

[myrddin]

and then u hear his leprosy jokes...

[Hal]

oh yeah, we pulled some of them up on the bus this morining, they are so good!
whats a leapors worst nightmare? an epeleptic fit.
oh i cant remember the rest...

[twide]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
:lol:

A guy walks into a pub and says, ''Can you remove this steering wheel from my pants?''
The bartender says, ''Why is that there? Is it annoying?''

"Yes," the man said, ''it's driving me nuts."
:P

[twide]

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

[ads0r]

/me performs RESURECTION! :)

A young man visited his uncle on the farm. Everwhere they went, they were followed by a large pig. On the third day the young finally man asked his uncle, "Why does this pig follow you everywhere you go?"


His uncle explained that the pig was his best friend and had actually pulled down a small tree, held in in his teeth and extended it out to me in the pond when I had fallen from the tractor.

"He saved my life," said the farmer.

"Well, tell me this!" exclaimed the lad.

"Yes?" replied the farmer.

"How come he's only got three legs?"

The farmer replied, "Could you eat a pig that good ALL AT ONCE?"

[BR3TT]

ban.

[ads0r]

Format.

[Jimmeh]

how do you get a pikachu onto a stick?

you pokemon

[bboy_skidz]

oldest evar thread revival! LOL!

[PHOENIX_12]

wtf? die?

[ads0r]

lololol